
Trigger warning: Suicide.
After I started dating my future wife in 2018, I got to meet and hang out with her various groups of friends. She is far, far more outgoing and social than I am and I wasn't from the city we lived in, so it was nice to socialize for once.
Amongst her groups of friends was a guy named George (Not his real name). George had a motorcycle, a dog, and a sick mustache. He was cool. For a while, George was just one of my wife’s many friends. He'd be part of the group that went out to a baseball game or came over for a barbecue.
Eventually, I learned that George liked video games, just like me! So of course, I had to know what games he liked.
George loved the Legend of Zelda series. Breath of the Wild came out earlier that year and he was obsessed. I regretted to I form him that while I did like the game, I hadn't actually finished it. In fact, I had never finished any Legend of Zelda game. He couldn't believe it! He begged me to go finish the game so we could talk about it.
I obliged and went back to Breath of the Wild. I took down the one Divine Beast I had yet to conquer and then defeated Ganon too. It only took a couple of hours. I couldn't believe I had given up when I was so close to the end!
So we chatted about Breath of the Wild. We both agreed that it was crazy that Nintendo managed to successfully turn Legend of Zelda into an open world game. It was so fun to just explore and find things to do. Of course we missed traditional dungeons, but exploring the sheer vastness of the open world made up for it.
A few months later, Tears of the Kingdom was announced. I texted George right away and he excitedly said we needed to play through the game together, or at least compare notes if we played separately. I of course agreed.
As the months went on, George continued to be the friend we'd hang out with every month or so, just like all our other friends. He'd show up for a movie night with or go out for a dinner get together. We never really talked outside of that one time where we talked about Zelda, but after the release of Tears of the Kingdom, I was confident we could start the next stage of our friendship.
On Monday September 7, a small group of us had a fun day out on the lake. George brought his kayak and it seemed like a real step up over my stand-up paddle board. I vowed to get one some day to race him.
On Thursday September 10, George killed himself.
- - - - -
At the funeral, people who knew George for far longer and far better than I had talked about him and his life.
His roommate talked about both of their struggles with past drug addiction. He said George fought with his demons for as long as he could. They both turned to things like frisbee golf, their motorcycles, and George’s dog to keep themselves on the healthy path.
George’s dad talked about his son's battles with mental health. He described scary nights and the different avenues of help they sought for him. This wasn't his first attempt at suicide. He asked that no one feel any guilt over what George had done.
I hadn't known any of this. How could I? All we had really talked about was the Legend of Zelda.

I had unknowingly taken the last picture of George while he was alive on that day at the lake (faces covered for privacy reasons)
And as for not feeling any guilt, that was far easier said than done. I couldn't help but think back on what more I could have done. On that day at the lake, we were in a hurry to leave and didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't even remember the last thing I said to him. What if I had said goodbye? Or said we should hang out again soon?
And why was I waiting to start our friendship? I felt so stupid. I could have reached out at any time. Waiting for Tears of the Kingdom was just a convenient excuse to hang out, but I could have done more sooner.
- - - - -
Every new trailer or gameplay reveal for Tears of the Kingdom made me think of George. I decided I would play through the game for him. I wouldn’t let it fall into my backlog like I did with Breath of the Wild or every other Legend of Zelda game. I would defeat Ganondorf and save Hyrule for George.
When the game got delayed, it felt unfair. I was ready. I needed to play and beat this game. The wait was agonizing.
At long last, at midnight of May 12, 2023, I purchased Tears of the Kingdom. It was finally time.
Every lunch break I was playing Tears of the Kingdom. Every night after my wife went to bed I was playing Tears of the Kingdom. In between rounds of Overwatch I was playing Tears of the Kingdom.
After a couple dozen hours, I came to a realization: I was not enjoying the game.
My favorite thing to do in Breath of the Wild was to find and solve the numerous shrines. In Tears of the Kingdom, the shrines were a major disappointment. I never felt like I was solving a puzzle with my clever brain, it felt like I was putting puzzle pieces together in the only obvious way.
For example, one shrine had a giant pressure plate in a hole and dozens of metal balls outside of it. Nearby was half a cart, a couple of wheels, and a slab suspiciously shaped like a plow. Slap the wheels on the cart and the plow on the front and bam, puzzle solved.
Every shrine felt like all I needed to do was put together the pieces that were given to me. I never had to do the kind of critical thinking I did in Breath of the Wild.
The new mechanics like Ultra Hand never clicked with me, either. They were absolutely neat and I could see the appeal, but they felt just a bit too far removed from the typical Zelda formula. Breath of the Wild felt like Legend of Zelda in an open world, and it somehow worked. The Ultra Hand mechanics felt like they were from some other game series entirely.
And the companion abilities! Needing to walk up to and talk to a companion to activate their ability was a nightmare. The number of times I struggled in an encounter due to talking to the wrong companion was maddening.
I did not enjoy the Depths. It was ugly and not being able to see 20 feet in front of me was aggravating. I spent the bare minimum amount of time in the Depths. The sky islands were smaller than I expected and didn't seem worth the time spent exploring them, either.
It felt like no matter what I was doing in Tears of the Kingdom, I wasn't enjoying it. But I had to continue. I had to push through. If I just kept going, the game would turn around and be exactly what I needed it to be. I had to keep going for George.
I thought I was nearing the end of the game after getting the Master Sword, but then the game turned into a linear set of quests, forcing me to different parts of the map. It slogged and dragged on for far too long. If I wasn't playing for George, I absolutely would have quit playing there. But I pushed through.
At long last, I arrived at Hyrule Castle for the final battle. I was ready to be done. But yet again, the segment turned out to be way, way longer and more challenging than I was expecting. I just wanted the game to be over and every step of the way the game just kept throwing MORE at me.
I did not feel a sense of excitement when I finally faced Ganondorf. I felt defeated before the fight even began. When Ganondorf’s health bar extended beyond the midpoint of the screen all the way to the edge, a clever surprise, it felt cruel.
Surprisingly, it only took me two tries to defeat Ganondorf. And I felt nothing. I completed what I set out to do. I beat Tears of the Kingdom for George and I felt nothing.
Nothing except that same guilt.
I had spent years anticipating playing and enjoying this game and imagining the conversations I would have had with George if he were still alive. And after all that waiting… I didn't even like the game? What does that say about me? Maybe I wouldn't have even been a good friend to George.
So I decided I to 100% the game. Surely after completing every single side quest I would find the joy and feel the accomplishment. Surely that would be enough.
I tried. I mindlessly and aimlessly completed a handful of side quests. Eventually I got to one where I needed to collect nuts from squirrels or something and it broke me. I gave up. I quit.
I never went back to Tears of the Kingdom after that. I never felt good about it. If anything, I felt angry. Every time I thought back to my time in Tears of the Kingdom, I felt upset that it didn't live up to what I wanted it to be.
And I still felt that guilt again. Why did I care so much about this? I wasn’t ever a close friend to George, anyways. I probably wasn't even a person he ever really thought about. So WHY DID I CARE SO MUCH?
For months I was in combat with my own feelings about the game and George.
- - - - -
One day, I don't even know why, I was on my Switch and decided to check out my friends list. And there he was. George. His profile picture was Link, of course.

It’s difficult to explain, but … Everything in my head kind of snapped into place. Almost like the puzzle pieces were there the whole time, but now I saw how to fit them together.
It's impossible to know if my friendship was something that would have helped George. His demons and struggles began far before we had even known each other. If his family and best friends couldn't help keep those demons at bay, nothing I would have said or done could have.
I had created a friendship that didn't exist. I had imagined a new friend in this city where I had few. Playing Tears of the Kingdom was going to keep the feelings of that potential friendship going, but when the game didn't live up to what I wanted it to be, things got confusing.
I was absolutely focusing on the wrong things. Instead of accepting the loss of George and his potential friendship and grieving it, I tried forcing it to keep existing, at least in my head.
I needed to accept it, and let it go.
So I did.
And I finally feel ok about the friendship with George that never was.